1. Edmonton Oilers--C, Connor McDavid. New Oilers GM Peter Chiarelli, enlists indie-alt band King Missile to update Jesus is way cool to McJesus is even cooler. FBI agents contact RCMP in regards to thousands of pounds of palm fronds taken from Florida presumably headed for Rexall Place.
2. Buffalo Sabres--C, Jack Eichel. Eichel was seen at Mickey Rats Beach Club chugging what looked like an iced tea. In response to all the McDavid talk, he slams his red solo cup and with a snarl, barks out "Edmonton, I'm comin' for ya!!! You too Babcock!"
3. Arizona--C, Dylan Strome. Tough choice between D, Noah Hanifin and Strome save for the fact that they already have a budding superstar d-man in Oliver Ekman Larsson. Bettman prevents owner Andrew Barroway from wearing a rhinestone studded leisure suit with the Yotes logo on it.
4. Toronto--D, Noah Hanifin. New head coach Mike Babcock will know just what to do with the smooth-skating, 6'2" lb. 200 defenseman. Was overheard asking Brendan Shanahan "who the hell is this Hyman guy again?"
5. Carolina--RW, Mitch Marner. Best player on the board which is way cool. Marner can man the right side with Jeff Skinner on the left and Eric Staal at center while Elias Lindholm can take his rightful place as No. 2 RW. That is, of course, unless Skinner is traded.
6. NJ Devils--C/LW Pavel Zacha. Devils need a lot and best place to start is with 6'3" 210 lb. powerforward Zacha who can acclimate himself to the Devils and the NHL under the guidance of fellow countryman, Patrick Elias.
7. Philadelphia Flyers--LW, Lawson Crouse. Ed Snider meddling-alert! Snider somehow mistook Lawson for LeClaire and is caught drooling over the thought of a powerforward prospect like Crouse on the top line with Claude Giroux and Jacob Voracek. Passing on BPA makes Columbus very happy.
8. Columbus Blue Jackets--D, Ivan Provorov. GM Jarmo Kekalainen does cartwheels to the stage throwing barbs at Mike Reilly all the way. After selecting Provorov, Kekalainen yells, "Zdravstvuj!, Nikita Filatov. Hope you're doing well! Wherever you are!"
9. San Jose Sharks--D, Zach Werenski. Sharks think long and hard about trading out, extending streak to nine years without a top-10 pick but then decide they should end that streak, which coincides with another streak that just ended--10 consecutive playoff appearances until missing them last year.
10. Colorado Avalanche--RW Mikko Rantanen. GM Joe Sakic fights of constant intrusions from coach Patrick Roy to trade this pick for Mikhail Grigorenko and selects the replacement for both Alex Tanguay and, for all intents and purposes, Ryan O'Reilly.
11. Florida Panthers--RW, Timo Meier. In the fifth year of Dale Tallon's rebuild, the Cat's prospect-pool is pretty full save for a hole on wing created by the defection of Zack Hyman. People are still wondering who this Hyman guy is.
12. Dallas Stars--D, Gabriel Carlsson. Off the board pick alert! GM Jim Nill is still adjusting to picking this high in the draft. Has visions of Carlsson with the poise and maturity of a young Niklas Lidstrom. Head Coach Lindy Ruff is reminded of Henrik Tallinder and Bill Hajt. It's enough to make the Stars reach for Carlsson.
13. LA Kings--C, Matthew Barzal. Kings forward ranks are stacked with talent, but Barzal drops to them and there's nothing they can do about it. GM Dean Lombardi has a huge smile on his face. LA won't see a pick this high for at least another five years.
14. Boston Bruins--C, Kyle Connor. In an effort to up-stage Boston native Jack Eichel, Connor chugs a pint of Guinness but instead of blurting out "Jack, I'm comin' for ya," he throws up. Seems as if Brad Marchand spiked it with Jameson.
15. Calgary Flames--C, Travis Konecny. GM Brian Burke brings truculence to Alberta, grabs an aggressive Konecny and promises to beat Brendan Shanahan up for taking over his throne on Mount Maple Leaf.
16. Edmonton Oilers (from Pittsburgh)--D, Jakub Zboril. Oilers fans are giddy with excitement after Chiarelli's pick of defenseman Zboril and start a palm branch fight that draws the attention of the FBI and RCMP.
17. Winnipeg Jets--RW, Nick Merkley. Merkley is placed right atop the prospects at right wing. GM Kevin Cheveldayoff tells reporters he's still not sure where Joel Armia went.
18. Ottawa Senators--D, Thomas Chabot. Sabres GM Murray was told by his new assistant coach uncle Terry Murray that Murray's other uncle and Murray's brother Bryan was going after Chabot. Bill Murray chimed in with, "That's a fact, Jack!"
19. Detroit Red Wings--RW, Denis Guryanov. Former Wings head coach Mike Babcock once asked, "Who's gonna replace Pav [el Datsyuk]?" His former GM Ken Holland replies with "Dylan Larkin, Gustav Nyquist and, now, Guryanov." Holland was also overheard saying, "No, Mike, we don't want Phaneuf....noooo...we don't want Tyler Bozak or Phil Kessel either."
20. Minnesota Wild--D, Jeremy Roy. Wild GM Chuck Fletcher beginning to line up replacements for Ryan Suter who just turned 30 this year. Hey, it's never too early. Thomas Vanek is super-psyched thinking it's former linemate Derek Roy and plunks 100-big on himself scoring 40 goals.
21. Buffalo Sabres--D, Oliver Kylington. Murray says he's disappointed that he was at 21 and not 20 saying that zero in this case is better than one, which is better than two, and reiterates he'd rather be in the middle of nowhere scouting than attending events like this. Tells Kylington, "no worry, my boy, we got your back, take your time."
22. Washington Capitals--LW, Evgeny Svechinkov. GM Brian McClellan and the Caps are out to prove that the "one or none Russian on a team" philosophy is ridiculous. Denies rumor that they talked about signing Vladmir Putin after his eight-goal outburst last month.
23. Vancouver Canucks--RW, Michael Spacek. The 'Nucks land a right wing to bolster a deficiency. GM Jim Benning, who was in Buffalo when the team was after namesake Jaroslav, finally gets himself a "Spatcho" and vows Zack Kassian will never play top-line RW again.
24. Toronto (from Nashville)--G, Mackenzie Blackwood. Leafs throw everybody a curve by jumping on Blackwood. Team Pres. Shanahan feels a kinship with the Thunder Bay, ON native in that their names flow well together (say them together a couple of times.) Feels Blackwood's calm demeanor if perfect for the piranha infestation that is the Toronto media.
25. Winnipeg Jets (from Buffalo)--C/RW, Colin White.. Cheveldayoff is thrilled with White dropping to them. It's a consoling pick for fans who just went through the Kane saga as for them he's Kane's opposite in one definite and obvious way.
26. Montreal Canadiens--D, Brandon Carlo. Les Habitants have the look of Lilliputians in the NHL so they decide to add a 6'5" 196 lb. defenseman to the mix. Carlo immediately takes French lessons, says his dream is to coach the Canadiens one day. Nobody knows what to make of it.
27. Anaheim Ducks--LW, Paul Bittner. GM Bob Murray is glad he's away from the "Murray-madness" in and around Buffalo, yells out "go big or go home!" before choosing the 6'4" 204 lb. Bittner.
28. Tampa Bay Lightning (from NY Rangers)--G, Ilya Samsonov. How much easier can it get? What they liked in Andrei Vasilevskiy they'll find in Samsonov who's three years younger.
29. Philadelphia Flyers (from Tampa Bay)--LW, Jake DeBrusk--Hextall is still mad at himself letting Flyers Chairman Snider talk him into passing on Provorov for Crouse. Yet doubles down the pick of Debrusk, a competitive left-winger with a husky last name.
30. Arizona Coyotes (from Chicago)--C/RW Jack Roslovic. AGM Darcy Regier thinks he's found his Zemgus Girgensons in Roslovic and didn't even need to trade up for him. Team still suffering from "No-Jack syndrome" after losing the lottery but gets another Jack as the "Rice a Roni" consolation prize.
Bonus:
31. Buffalo Sabres--RW, Jeremy Bracco. Owner Terry Pegula is trying to turn Buffalo into the Center of USA Hockey. US braggadocio is generally condemned by their chill, Canadian counterparts and one of the main reasons Bracco falls. Pegula doesn't care. Says he wants more of it and has been yelling, "McDavid who?" throughout the draft proceedings thus far. Is ready to slam a beer with Eichel before wife Kim steps in and slams one for both of them.
Other mocks and who they have the Sabres taking 21st-overall after Jack Eichel is selected by Buffalo with the second-overall pick:
Mike Morreale, nhl.com: D, Oliver Kylington
Adam Kimelman, nhl.com: RW, Nicolas Merkley
Kevin Allen, USA Today: D, Kylington
Kyle Woodlief, redlinereport/USA Today: D, Kylington
Brendan Ross, McKeen's: D, Jakub Zboril
Craig Button, TSN: D, Kylington
Damien Cox, sportsnet.ca: LW, Jake DeBrusk
Gare Joyce, sportsnet.ca: G, Ilya Samsonov
Sam Cosentino, sportsnet.com: LW, DeBrusk
Jeff Marek, sportsnet.com: C, Jansen Harkins
Michael Finewax, rotoworld: G, Samsonov
Mike Zeisberger, Toronto Sun: D, Kylington
Nicholas Goss, NESN: LW, Evgeny Svechnikov
Minnesota Examiner: D, Kylington
DraftSite.com: LW, DeBrusk
csnne.com: LW, Svechnikov
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