Every summer the NHL trots out a washed up celebrity from the 90s and they hire the likes of Def Leppard and Chaka kahn to entertain the fans while Cuba Gooding takes shots from a replica Stanley Cup and does "interviews" on the red carpet.
This year will be no exception with rumours circulating that the Awards will be hosted by Fred Savage with musical guests Len and Frozen Ghost.
Stop the Presses though, because we can cure your award show angst with the Milbies - the best awards show this side of Vegas. With guest appearances by friends of the blog Pete the Cat (edit: sadly a last minute cancellation) and Miss Cleo, fans are sure to be impressed. And who's playing the Milbies? If you guessed the Bangles, you're 100% right.
Biggest Disappointment
The sparsely attended Milbies kick off with one of the least exciting awards (because that's how awards shows work). The nominees:
1. The Edmonton Oilers
Nominated for an unprecedented and impossible sixth straight season (despite this being the First Annual Milbies) the Edmonton Oilers are the hockey equivalent of puking just a bit in your mouth and swallowing it by accident.
Featuring soul crushing loss after soul crushing loss, they are the NHL equivalent of a Sufjan Stevens record played at half speed.
2. The Montreal Canadiens
All but guaranteeing themselves a playoff spot after starting the season with nine straight victories and taking home two points in 13 of their first 16 games, the Canadiens blew through their good fortune faster than M.C Hammer (who incidentally has a Craig's List add up offering to play your kid's birthday for $40).
3. Connor McDavid's Injury
Maybe it's just me, but the injury to McDavid seemed to suck all the fun out of the 2015-16 season.
And the Golden Loafer goes to: McDavid's Injury for costing me my hockey pool. (I am six points out of first and would be a shoe-in for the victory if he had of been healthy.)
Worst Prediction:
Please welcome to the Stage, Ladies and Gentleman, Miss Cleo.
"Ooooooh Child, I predict the worst prediction award will go to James Tanner for one of his many terrible predictions. I also predict that you are carrying the wrong man's child..............the nominees:
1. James Tanner for "The Islanders Will Win the Stanley Cup."
2. James Tanner for "Taylor Hall Will Score Fifty Goals."
3. James Tanner for "The Oilers Will Make the Playoffs."
"Oooooh Child, please leave the predicting to the experts." *Opens Envelope* "And the Milby goes to.......James Tanner for the 'Oilers Will Make the Playoffs."
Presenting the next award: Steve Saunders
The Nominees for Worst Move of the Year are as follows:
1. The Coyotes trading John Scott for Jared "But the Drugs Didn't Enhance Anything" Tinordi in the midst of a feel-good story that really could have helped a team struggling at the gate.
2. The Predators for trading future Pierre McGuire Monster Seth Jones for Ryan Johanson, a move that will look ridiculous in just a few short years.
3. The Canucks for trading a second and Nick Bonino for a worse player (Sutter) and a worse pick (third).
After making an unnecessary plug for the Peach Pit After Dark Steve Saunders reveals the winner to be..................the Vancouver Canucks.
At this point Cuba Gooding rushes the stage and attempts to steal a Milbie of his own. He is ushered off by security and escorted to the Dominoes' bathroom that is doubling as the security office at tonight's show.
Then the Bangles come back for one more tune. When they take the stage a drunken Tanner yells out "I love you Susanna."
Jeez Kids, time flies when you're having fun and the rest of the awards are going to be handed out quickly before our big finale - the Giant Golden Loafer, which goes to the league's worst GM.
Worst Rebuild: The Coyotes for having just three NHL defensemen in the entire organization and giving up on a first round pick that was coming off an injury.
Biggest Gaffe: The NHL for it's bizarre decision to reward Duncan Keith with a vacation to heal up before the Playoffs after he swung his stick like a madman at the face of Charlie Coyle.
Worst Player: They all made the NHL and even the worst one is better at what they do than anyone I know in my life is at anything they do. No award can be given out for this.
Worst Broadcast: It was almost a tie for all of them, but I still can't stand Hockey Night in Canada without Ron McLean, so they win.
Worst Saying: A tie between "pump the brakes" and "Stick Tap to.." with an honorable mention going to "Not my first rodeo."
Worst Coach: Ladies and gentleman, it's a total surprise, our winner doesn't even coach in the NHL anymore, and he even showed up to collect his award, please welcome to the stage Randy Carlye.
Biggest Embarrassment: Any time a player has to complain about the ice in his arena. Ice is sort of the main component for hockey and it's an abomination that NHL teams aren't somehow required to have good ice.
Finally, the award you've all been waiting for: Worst General Manager of the Season:
The nominees:
1. Jim Benning, Vancouver. Self Explanatory.
2. Don Maloney, Arizona. Self Explanatory.
3. Peter Chiarelli, Edmonton. Self Explanatory.
Folks, in a surprise upset, Jim Benning is not the winner here.....Edmonton's Chiarelli takes home the award for failing to add an impact defenceman or a decent set of defensive, complimentary forwards to his group.
Lori Korpiskoski, Andre Sekara, and Griffin Reinhart were not enough to get his team over the hump, despite the addition of Connor McDavid and even excepting for a ridiculous amount of injuries. There is no reason that Chiarelli couldn't have used his 2016 first rounder, the picks he used on Reinhart and Yakupov/Eberle to acquire some depth for his team and a top pairing defensemen.
Milbury himself was going to present the award, but he walked off stage after claiming he was "top three most influential people of all-time."
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