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Manny Being Manny: A Fictional Day in the Life of Our Backup Goaltender |
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In light of Sunday's extremely winnable loss against the New York Rangers, I've decided to forgo throwing together a game recrap. So I offer you this...
I couldn't help but be painfully reminded of a certain OTHER Manny familiar to the city of Boston after watching Sunday's game. Are the two more alike than we ever thought possible?
Strictly for entertainment purposes only (aka this is a work of fiction):
A Day in the Life of Manny Fernandez
SUNDAY - MARCH 8, 2009
8:30am - Awoken by new road roommate Steve Montador and invited to join the team downstairs for breakfast. Rolls over.
8:32am - Hears stunned teammates announce "Oh my god, he's still alive!" when Montador surfaces in the hallway.
8:50am - Writes hate letter to Vladimir Sobotka for inflating his GAA after the young winger lost his man with under a minute left in an eventual 6-4 win over Ottawa in January. Leaves Dwayne Roloson's info on the back of the envelope as the return address to confuse him.
9:15am - Promises Montador to tell the coaches he'll be down in a few minutes to board the bus.
9:18am - Tells Coach Julien the defenseman is still sick and isn't joining the team to head to MSG.
9:20am - Finds the only empty seat on the bus next to Matt Hunwick. Hunwick suddenly feels inspired to walk to the Garden.
9:35am - Gets awoken from a nap by Milan Lucic. Laughs as the equipment manager struggles with his bag knowing he stuffed it with bricks.
9:39am - Gets called over by a young, attractive autograph seeker. Takes her Wild jersey bearing his name, signs it, then throws it at the equipment manager and tells him to put it in his bag.
9:42am - Switches nameplates around and relocates to the corner of the locker room. Uses bricks to build wall that will shield coaches and teammates from looking at or speaking to him.
10:12am - Tells Julien he's making a coffee run and will be back soon.
10:31am - Puts "Game Used Autographed Manny Fernandez Jersey" up for grabs on eBay. Buy it now: $499.99.
11:08am - Falls asleep, again, this time while photo-shopping Tim Thomas' face onto members of New Kids on the Block.
11:32am - Mails letter to Sobotka on the way back to MSG.
11:57am - Replaces the contents of Thomas' water bottle with ginger-lemon flavored phospho-soda.
12:09pm - Giggles as Thomas bolts from the ice and sprints to the closest bathroom.
12:15pm - Tries to act surprised when Julien tells him he's getting the start this afternoon.
12:37pm - Puts iPod nano on shuffle as game begins. Doesn't want to hear what any teammates have to say.
12:49pm - Makes routine save. Rather than toss the puck to the linesman for the faceoff he tosses it in the other direction, shouts "My bad!"
1st intermission - Hides behind brick wall. Shrugs at an irate street-clothed Montador then smiles when heading back out.
1:30pm - Lets in a shot by Nik Antropov and his temperature elevates to 107 degrees.
1:48pm - Fails to realize he's left plenty of net exposed while failing to hug the post. Drury puts Rangers up 2-1.
1:52pm - Wishes he had his iPhone to email Gary Bettman and petition for smaller nets.
1:36pm - Loses puck in own pads, does spinorama, kicks the biscuit in the net. Sees Patrice Bergeron barking at him, takes off mask, points at earbuds and shouts "Can't hear you!", turning up the volume as "Jukebox Hero" comes on.
2nd intermission - Takes off his blocker to high-five a young boy seated near the runway. Squeezes his hand til he can hear bones cracking then dashes to the locker room.
2:06pm - Loses focus as most of play is down the other end.
2:19pm - Ponders if he adds the Flyers, Islanders and Avalanche on MySpace whether or not it'll boost his chances of signing with them in July.
2:23pm - Puts Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" on repeat.
2:34pm - Suddenly realizes the game is tied. Had no idea.
2:43pm - Gets caught executing the "and you turn yourself around" part of the Hokey Pokey while six feet to the right of his crease. Dives back but fails to stop shot as Rangers jump ahead 4-3.
2:59pm - Ponders where everyone is going and why all the Rangers are high-fiving each other. Takes out ear buds and hears loud horn. Heads to locker room. Makes eye contact with no one.
3:15pm - Talks to media for first time in ages. "Can't catch a break."
3:21pm - Orders Ryan Ritz to pack up his bags. Doesn't care if that's not his actual name.
3:39pm - Gets on bus and tells Julien he should have started him against the Blackhawks.
3:53pm - Realizes Hunwick preferred sitting in the bathroom to being next to him.
4:25pm - Calls agent before flight demanding a trade. Agent informs him the deadline was four days ago.
4:59pm - Passes out from exhaustion in his seat after voting for himself as the winner for the 7th Player Award 2,364 times.
Oh man, I couldn't help myself. In all seriousness, I've been rooting like hell for Manny to get out of this rut. What he did in the first half of the season was a HUGE part of the Bruins success. For a while there, I was pretty darn sure Fernandez was on the verge of taking over the reigns as the starter for this club.
Thomas was spectacular, sure. But Manny was equally if not more impressive. He came in, he shut the door, and helped this team stay on a roll. He looked supremely confident in his crease. But now in the dog days of winter, when the team has desperately needed him to steal a game here or there to get out of this funk...he's played beyond subpar, to say the least. The Bruins for the first time in a long time started putting together not winning streaks...but losing ones back in January. And as that trend has continued these last few months, not once has Fernandez come in and saved the day and got things going in the right direction.
And on top of that, looking entirely disinterested during the games and ignoring the media 95% of the time afterwards can't exactly add to the positive vibes inside the B's locker room. Even were it for the most selfish of reasons ($$) I fully expected Manny to be a far greater contributor in the second half of the season.
But alas, it's not too late. The Bruins are all but assured (barring an unforeseen disaster) of at least securing a top 3 spot in the East. So I will pray that not only can Manny provide TT with some much needed rest down the stretch, but be effective and find his game. This is why we kept him, after all, for his talent between the pipes and his years of experience. The Bruins will feel a lot more confident in the postseason knowing that the Manny we saw in the first half is standing by in case of emergency, not the one we've seen in the second half.
JC
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