Have you ever told a lie so many times that eventually you reached the point that your warped mind accepted it as truth? You know what I'm talking about. I've told the same tall tale so many times that even
I'm convinced I once saved my entire 2nd grade class from certain death by choke-holding a ferocious grizzly bear into submission, all while blindfolded and still tied to my teammate in the midst of a three-legged race. I'd show you proof, but the video was removed from YouTube due to excessive awesomeness.
So if you're having trouble swallowing the Bruins 2-1 shootout loss on Thursday to the hated Habs, I strongly suggest reading this blog. Repeatedly.
First of all, let's just face the facts here: the Bruins are good. Really good in fact. Why else would hockey experts have unanimously pegged them to win the Eastern Conference, the Stanley Cup, the French Open, the World Series of Poker and the mayoral race in Wichita, Kansas? Exactly! This team is so amazing they could replace their skates with water shoes and still blow away the competition with the greatest of ease.
The B's came out firing on all cylinders Thursday night. The sellout crowd on hand at the Garden rose to it's feet when, on the opening faceoff, Shawn Thornton dropped the gloves and knocked Montreal's entire first line out cold.....with one punch. Scott Gomez hadn't seen so many stars since those night's during his childhood when he climbed atop his igloo to glare up at the Alaskan sky.
Seeing such a feat has almost become routine in Boston, as the Bruins have racked up fighting major after fighting major since Milan Lucic broke his finger. Lucic injured his digit while at a local arcade in a head to head matchup with the Pinball Wizard. The deaf, dumb and blind kid from the infamous classic tune by The Who had been 64,379 - 0 before his loss to the Bruins' winger.
After falling behind 6-0 early, as Carey Price allowed natural hat tricks to former snake-bitten forwards Michael Ryder and Marco Sturm, the Habs finally mounted an attack. But Dennis Wideman was there to pick up his man at center ice. Never once did he consider dancing along to the Beach Boys "Wipeout" and taking out his fellow d-man in the process. Not ONCE I tell you.
The Bruins took advantage of the struggling Habs' savior in net, and in just one night, raised their PP from 30th in the league to 3rd. It was dynamite! No way in hell would they allow themselves to be the team to let Price beat them for his first win since October 3rd. Rumor has it that when Price asked "Will I have the easiest 43 save performance in NHL history tonight?" his magic 8-ball replied "Outlook not so good."
In between periods, injured forwards Marc Savard, Milan Lucic and Byron Bitz made their way to the press box to personally announce that, due to unforeseen medical breakthroughs, all three would be healthy enough to suit up Saturday night against Buffalo. With the likes of Trent Whitfield and Mikko Lehtonen dominating on the evening, we all pondered what a pickle Claude Julien would be in when it came to deciding if any member of the dinged-up trio would be worthy of a spot in the lineup, with the B's playing astounding hockey in their absence.
Sure enough, the Habs were up to their old tricks of agitating, yapping and pretending like Freddy Krueger just rammed his famous razor-bladed glove through their rib cages. But tonight, for the first time in ages, they paid dearly for their shenanigans.
Mouthy Max Lapierre was ordered by the linesmen to have his lips sewn shut. Agonizing in the penalty box, Lapierre dislocated his right wrist while trying to remove the super-glued gloves from his hands.
Tomas Plekanec, who not once but twice laid sprawled out at the blue line, silently pleading for a sympathy penalty call, suffered hypothermia from his extended exposure to the frigid conditions. Unable to move, Plekanec was later covered by the Garden staff laying out the parquet floor for Friday's game there between the Celtics and Suns.
As the clock wound down in the third period with the Bruins up by two touchdowns, Claude Julien put down a sudoko puzzle and came up with a list titled "The Last Person I Would Ever Turn To In a Shootout". At the top of the list was Mark Recchi. But don't be fooled, it had nothing to do with his skills. We all know Recchi has blazing speed and more moves than that stupid Cotton Eye Joe dance from the mid-90s.
Remember when Michael Jordan would leap from the free throw line to the basket? Mark Recchi can top that, instantaneously going from the blue line to the crease....in one stride. Once there, if used in a shootout, he'd probably fake a goalie out of his jock strap and roof one home. He'd never do the first part then just shovel it into his chest. Never, ever, ever!
Claude's noted reason for excluding Rex from the shootout festivities? "Probably past his bed time." Makes sense. My grandfather is always in bed by 8:30.
After the game, the B's were handing out party hats and birthday whistles to celebrate the victory. As I entered the locker room, I spotted Johnny Boychuk dicing up one of Carvel's Fudgie the Whale ice cream cakes. He volunteered for cake-cutting duties out of sheer boredom. I can't blame the guy.
I got on board the commuter rail afterward to a rousing ovation, the press credentials still draped around my neck. After jogging my way from car-to-car, I must've participated in at least 200 celebratory high fives. Not a single one of my legion of readers/fans gave me the swine flu in the process. I quickly placed a random call to David Krejci, just to chat about how lucky we both are to have avoided the pandemic.
As I got to the station, I paused as I began to unlock my Jaguar XJ-220 and started to wonder.......
Why are the Bruins so good? Does scoring so many goals ever get boring? Why don't they just cancel the playoffs and start engraving the Bruins' names onto the Cup right now?
All I could do was shake my head when pondering what a juggernaut we have in the Hub of Hockey.
And now, as I contemplate the perfect way to wrap this all up, I wonder.......
Is anyone from my 2nd grade class reading all of this? You all keep quiet now. Very. Quiet.
JC
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