Hockey Den: The Premier Hockey Card and Memorabilia Destination
Visit us at www.hockeyden.net , check out the 2008-09 OPC Update box break, and enter to win your choice of a card from the break! Does a triple jersey Habs card sound appealing?
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Towns Without A Team #1: Booger Hollow, Arkansas
NHL, consider yourself on notice: I'm mad as hell and I'm not taking it anymore! You want to tell me with a straight face about these member cities who deserve their teams, who are sound franchises, who will be sucessful with proper ownership to advocate for and market the team? I call bunk good sirs! I call bunk.
I would suggest that a travesty of Ballsillian proportions is occurring under your watch. While you continually try to force square pegs into round holes there are a plethora of towns and cities in North America who by NAMESAKE alone would be marketing diamond mines, driving the success of their franchises for years to come. You may argue my relocation approach is flawed, but I would argue that I can do for some teams what all you can eat seating, free parking, an actual winning team, bobblehead nights and hygenically-challenged ice girls cannot.
In the end good sirs it's all about good marketing, and the grass roots basis of my namesake driven relocation plan is marketing at its most juvenille. Lest you mistake juvenille for ineffective, remember two things: 1) Juvenille = basic, and when it comes to success on the ice what is it all about? Getting back to basics; and 2) Juvenille also directly targets the 12 to 40+ year old male population. A nice demographic to attract, no?
So with that begins my campaign "Towns Without Teams", my personal crusade for the placement of franchises in locales where they will have marketing viability and subsequent success based on a very grassroots factor: the city/town name.
First town on my list: Booger Hollow, Arkansas.
What’s the story with Booger Hollow? Well it’s essentially just a little tourist attraction outside Pope County, Arkansas that is essentially deserted at the moment. While one might view this as a drawback, I look at it as a goodwill goal AND a marketing ploy. First, locating a team there will revive Booger Hollow to the booming days when it’s one store, burger joint (where you could get a booger dog or booger burger), church and two-storey outhouse were a roadside attraction not to be missed on your drive through Arkansas. Second, with no one living there I propose that the population consist of anyone in the arena for the game! Imagine the slogans you could do with this: “Living in Booger Hollow means living at the game!”, “It takes the NHL to bring life to Booger Hollow!”. You really could go wild with this…
Now, the “Booger” of Booger Hollow of course is a short form for “Boogieman” and revolves around legends of various ghosts and spirits in the area. Furthermore, the town of Dildo, Newfoundland is thought to be named for a Portugese/Spanish locale with a likely less Anglicized spelling. That’s right, both have rather innocent origins but I’ll be damned if they haven’t marketed themselves off the interpretation people first have when they first hear the name of the town. As such I say we milk it for what it’s worth! Let’s get some stuff off the ground here then:
Team Name: Can you say field day? My first choice was “Goldminers” or “Nasal Pirates”, but I rightfully felt creativity wasn’t serving me well at all. Luckily others jumped in with some suggestions. First, from my friend Karen the Nurse back in New Brunswick came this: “The RhinotillexoManiac's”, with rhinotillexomania being the medical term for compulsive nose picking. A unique name that is both medically and geographically accurate! Next came this one from Kent Basky (http://waachcast.blogspot.com/) : “The Screamin’ Greenies”. Disgusting? Maybe. Better than “Mighty Ducks”? Methinks yes. The latter name got me thinking back to the days of “Ren and Stimpy”: how about the Booger Hollow “Magic Nose Goblins”? Look at the choices folks!!! This is a marketer’s dream!!
Team Logo: I don’t know quite yet, but this is what I’d throw to a concept artist to go on:
Come to think of it, get a hold of the “Ren & Stimpy” people and we’ll contract out the characters as mascots! Kill two birds with one stone! Is it really any dumber than a hockey playing duck or the Highliner fisherman on your jersey? Besides, the kids will love it!
Team Chants: This stuff writes itself. Need to get the opponent down: “Who do we ‘pick’ to win? ‘Snot’ you!”, “We’re going to wipe you out and blow you away!!”. “Who’s going to lose? Tissue!!”. You know, tissue = tis you….ok, a stretch…
Arena Sponsorship: Kleenex, Vicks, NyQuil, the Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist’s Association of America? They’ll be lining up.
Giveaways/Promotions: Ok, air gun shaped like a nose that fires t-shirts out a nostril. Very true to the concept of the team. First 5,000 fans receive a “Gooey Louie” game:
Some gummie worm variant given out with each food item purchased in the arena. Tasty!
Three Stars: Three Stars at the end of the game? Not in Booger Hollow. This is “Three Knuckles” territory, and as opposed to the “Third Star”, “Third Knuckle” was the best in this arena!
We could go on and on with this but I think my point has been made. You’ve got a marketing bonanza waiting to be harvested here. This is a new era in the sports business world, and while I would never argue your right to put a team where there is no real market for hockey, I would appeal to your sensibilities and ask that the next time you put a team where one shouldn’t be at least put it in a place with a marketable name. Make the right choice and “pick” Booger Hollow.
Visit us at www.hockeyden.net , check out the 2008-09 OPC Update box break, and enter to win your choice of a card from the break! Does a triple jersey Habs card sound appealing?
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