With all the pessimism and dreariness surrounding the Bruins these days, I think it's time to inject a little jolt into the worrisome fan base. I have gulped down the Kool-Aid and dusted off my Black and Gold glasses. I'm ready to restore the faith with the blindest of blind optimism.
Doubters leave your hate at the door, cause this blog is for the true believers, the ones who see no effort, no heart, no desire, no emotion, no production and still know, without a doubt, that each and every Bruins' player will have his name engraved on the Stanley Cup by the time the summer solstice rolls around.
It'll be a breeze for the beloved B's. All they need to do is put together an underwhelming package of subpar prospects and over-compensated underachievers and...wait for it...voila! Kovalchuk riding Savard's shotgun! The team will awaken from their long slumber and reign supreme in the Eastern Conference. There will be such an absurd abundance of goals, grit and great saves that the entire league may simply forfeit in the face of potentially being embarrassed by the Bruins.
You know it's possible. Forget possible, you know it's likely. Scrap that. It's all but a foregone conclusion. This six or seven game skid is gonna mean diddly squat in a few months, when the B's are taking turns hoisting the cup. Don't believe me? I've got four words for you, punk:
THEY CAN DO IT!
* If the Bruins go 31-0-0 the rest of the way, picking up 62 of 62 points, they can equal their 116 point campaign of 2008-09, in the process telling the hockey universe "Hey! You see? We are just as good as we were last year!" from atop the NHL standings. They can do it!
* If the Buffalo Sabres manage to go 0-31-0 in their remaining games, the Bruins only need to go 6-25-0 down the stretch to win the Northeast Division for the second straight year. C'mon, piece of cake! They can do it!
* If Dennis Wideman (-12) can rock out to the tune of a +45 rating the rest of the way, he can surpass his career-best +32 set last season. What in the world could POSSIBLY hold him back from pulling that off? What's that, guy in the back? The Bruins might not even score 45 goals the rest of the year? Bologna! They can do it!
* If the B's can average 4.80 goals-per-game throughout the duration of the season, they can equal the 270 goals they scored in 2008-09. So what if they need 149 over the next 31 games after scoring 121 in the first 51? They can do it!
* If team points leader Patrice Bergeron can amp things up a bit, there's no reason to doubt that the Bruins have a legitimate shot at winning their first Art Ross Trophy in nearly four decades. Bergy just need to bare down and keep feeding top-flight goal scoring studs like Drew Larman or whoever else with hands of stone has been promoted to his line. He'll have erased the 44 point deficit that currently exists between he and league leader Henrik Sedin in no time. They can do it!
* If Peter Chiarelli texts "Sobotka, Sabourin and a 4th in 2012?" to Don Waddell, Ilya Kovalchuk will immediately be placed on the first flight out of Atlanta. With #17 already taken up by Milan Lucic, Kovalchuk will elect to not wear a number, instead placing a black and gold outline of the Stanley Cup underneath his name plate on the back of his jersey. The league will resoundingly approve of the decision, as everyone throughout the entire galaxy will concur that a championship parade in Boston is now inevitable. They can do it!
* If former Red Sox General Manager Dan Duquette, infamous for dispatching Roger Clemens from Boston, takes over the Nashville Predators, he will most definitely offer the Bruins Shea Weber and Ryan Suter, as both players are now entering "the twilight" of their careers. The Bruins will scramble to come up with an adequate offer, but rumors cite that Duquette is only looking for Trent Whitfield's jock strap and a number of boxes full of stick tape to be determined later. Chiarelli will immediately place a phone call to Dick's Sporting Goods...and the laundromat Whitfield frequents. It'll be tough to pull off, but, they can do it!
* Despite seemingly having to deal from a position of weakness, as they freefall down the Eastern Conference standings without a parachute, the B's will become stacked...so stacked that people will now refer to the '27 Yankees as a respectable collection of above average talent. They'll be that good. After a few weeks of gelling together, the revamped Bruins will leave opponents wondering if the B's will ever lose a single game again. The league will step in and demand that the Bruins' play the entirety of their games without a goalie, while their opponent's net is ordered to be relocated to the 13th row of the balcony that hovers above the far end of the rink. The B's elite snipers will still torture opposing netminder's, despite the fact that they now stand over 398 feet away from the ice. It won't be easy...but they can do it!
* In the event of an injury, the Bruins will have Marty McFly on hand to travel back in time for a replacement. David Krejci's shoulder acting up? No worries, McFly is off to 1993 to grab Adam Oates in his prime. Andrew Ference's groin torn to shreds? Time to take a trip to 1970 and pick up Bobby Orr. I'm not quite sure if there's enough room in the Ristuccia Arena parking lot to get the DeLorean up to 88.8 mph, but I'm not going to start betting against the Bruins now. They can do it!
* Once the B's clinch a postseason spot, all teams fighting for the 8th seed in the East will begin tanking, refusing to score goals in their diligent effort to throw games. Carey Price will pick up 9 shutouts in the final month of play, tricking the world into thinking he's anything but a mediocre netminder with his boosted stats. The Bruins will roll through the first three rounds with back-to-back-to-back sweeps. They can do it!
* In exchange for a $10,000 gift certificate to Ray Bourque's restaurant in the North End and guaranteed front row seats for the Bruins' looming parade, the Chicago Blackhawks will agree to a deal that spares them from having to get walloped in the finals by Boston. The pact will only come about due to the B's desire to avoid incoming inclement weather which may lower the turnout for their celebration, which is expected to range anywhere from 35 to 40 million fans.
The Blackhawks will reluctantly comply with the Bruins' demand that they wear Black and Gold attire for the event. The Hub of Hockey will celebrate it's first Stanley Cup victory in 38 years. Joy, jubilation and immeasurable elation will be felt throughout New England. Anyone who ever thought, even for a single second, that the B's could never pull it off will be exiled to a third-world country.
They should have caved in long ago, cheering in chorus with the faithful fans of the spoked-B...
They can do it! They can do it! They! Can! Do it!
JC
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