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Panic! At The Garden: Embarrassing B's Must Head to Philly for Game Six |
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And then I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of...shooting the god damn puck, no?!"...sorry. Couldn't help myself.
Normally, as is the case with nearly all of my game recaps, I'd be sifting through postgame quotes on the Boston Bruins' media site right now. I'd be busy formulating a story in my head, preparing to paint a picture of the action or highlight the team's top performances. But tonight...tonight...where does one even begin? How does one pluck positivity from the most embarrassing playoff effort they have ever witnessed?
The Bruins were murdered in game five at the TD Garden on Monday night. Absolutely slaughtered. Downright embarrassed in their own building. A grave injustice? Victims of the game of a lifetime from all 20 opposing players? Not on your life. Instead, it was the polar opposite. The B's were so lifeless, I'm actually astonished they had enough energy to get in their cars and make it all the way to the arena. Judging by their play, they just may have been dragged there kicking and screaming.
Here's the easiest way to sum up the game in ten quick quips:
1. Bruins look sluggish out of the gate, quickly trail 1-0 early on.
2. Still sluggish, nothing going on. Starting to get into penalty trouble.
3. Damn. Boucher just Joe Theismann'd himself.
4. 2-0 Flyers. Tuukka helpless as Philly works the puck around the offensive zone as if they were opposed by five orange cones.
5. Ruh roh. Sloppy play continues, penalties piling up. I think Leighton just went over to the bench to grab a pillow and a magazine. He'd be better off stealing the Tin Man's can of oil to avoid rusting.
6. Hey! Wheeler's got the p.. nope. Turnover. Oh oh here comes Pai... he lost it.
7. Aw snap. 3-0. Bruins employing the rope-a-dope strategy. Leave 'em wide open in front, let 'em score at will. They'll tire out. Eventually.
8. Alright, eff this. Well, that must've been what Marc Savard said when he and Mike Richards exchanged crosschecks before a mini pileup ensued behind....behind....wait, who's in net for the Flyers again? Leighton. Yes. Easy to forget when the guy has had to make 5 saves in the past hour and a half.
9. Doctors call down and advise the Bruins to ease up a bit after the faux melee. Don't want their hearts to explode or anything.
10. Simon Gagne uses jedi powers to shatter Dennis Wideman's stick. After blowing by the defenseman, he did his best Subzero from Mortal Kombat impression by absolutely freezing Tuukka Rask. 4-0 Flyers.
From there, the clock ran down like when the imbecil in a mediocre action flick pulls the wrong wire from a ticking bomb, accelerating the countdown toward detonation into hyper-speed. And, when it finally struck 0:00, the Hub of Hockey exploded. Or maybe, more fittingly, imploded.
What an absolute nightmare. A few assorted thoughts I had throughout the agonizing affair....
* The Bruins skating reminded me of a scene from the original Nightmare On Elm Street movie (no, I haven't seen the remake as it got a 14% on Rotten Tomatoes). Remember the part when Nancy, mid-nightmare, is trying to dash up the stairs but discovers her feet are suddenly engulfed in a marshmallow-like substance? Shy of being chased by Fred Krueger, that's essentially what the B's looked like.
* You know those games during the preseason when one team has a few of their stars in the lineup while the other is icing a roster full of future fringe ECHL'ers who can't do diddly squat against even the most marginally talented opponents? Yep. Just like that. Too bad this was a pivotal playoff game.
* Tuukka Rask had another iffy start in this one, but I'll certainly give him a pass given the effort in front of him. It took some superhuman efforts to keep the Flyers from putting up double-digits.
But, worst of all, I kept returning to something I'd pessimistically contemplated all day....
Are the Bruins about to become the 2004 NY Yankees of hockey? What went through the minds of their fans when 3-0 became 3-1, and 3-1 became 3-2? Is Simon Gagne's game four OT goal going to be remembered the way Dave Roberts' stolen base was, etching itself into history as the moment that kickstarted a monumental rise from the dead?
Though above all else, we all must wonder...how the hell does a catastrophe like game five ever happen? How do the Bruins possibly explain this atrocity? Sure, I could easily copy and paste their quotes/excuses. But, let's not kid ourselves, you've seen it all before.
As for game five, well, I truly hope it's something you and I never have to witness ever, ever again. It is officially time to panic in the Hub of Hockey.
JC
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