Rough estimation: Over the past three(!) years writing on HockeyBuzz, I've probably produced a shade under 1,500 various blogs. Some have been alright. Some have been downright awful. Largely, the ensuing discussion in the community is what drives interest -- it's what keeps me writing, and it's what keeps you coming back.
A few months ago -- mind you, in the middle of an Ottawa Senators team surprising just about the entire National Hockey League on their regular season run -- one of my blogs absolutely exploded. Sure, we were talking about power ratings, size, and entertainment value, but none of it had to do with hockey.
The single-most polarizing discussion since joining the HB ranks in 2010? Maxim's Top 100, folks. And, after a quick glance at the 2012 edition, my strong guess is that opinions will be had.
The only hurdle? Trying to incorporate it into a hockey blog. You know, to feed the suits around here. Difficult; not impossible.
Below, I'm going to break down Maxim's Top 100 for 2012; then, provide a bullshit NHL translation to try and seamlessly bring it all together. There's a good chance it'll turn into a disaster, but it's a day in May when viewership is treading near rock-bottom. At least now I know how Harry Doyle felt.
So, without further ado, Maxim's Top 100.
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When someone hyperlinked me to the list (note: I don't read Maxim, because Maxim is terrible), I did what any normal twenty-three year old man would: CTRL + F, 'Beyonce'.
Phrase not found.
It only went downhill from there. Sure, there are some absolute smoke-shows on the list, but the number of egregious misses by the voting public -- and love-fest for the strangest of average-looking celebrities -- could drive a sane man nuts.
Let's break it down by groups of twelve, noting all of the absurd omissions on the way.
Right off the bat, your eyes are drawn to two people -- Dominique Storelli, and Amanda Knox. I'm not sure who Dominique is, but I do know she's getting a slightly unfair ratings bump by wearing absolutely nothing.
Gotta love Amanda Knox checking in at #92, though. Knox was held over in Europe on a murder charge for years before finally catching an overturn from the Italian courts. Truthfully, it's probably a better selection than Casey Anthony -- although both are considered not guilty in the eyes of the judicial system. Allegedly.
La La Anthony -- the better-half of professional basketball player Carmelo Anthony -- is a tough one to rank. On her side: She's from Brooklyn. Working against her: I had to suffer through an inordinate amount of Meloball. There's nothing worse than isolation hoops. I'd rather sit through two-and-a-half hours of Funny People again than watch the Knicks offense sit four-flat and watch Carmelo Anthony dribble the air out of the ball.
NHL translation: The top-twelve really doesn't leave a whole lot to be desired, much like the San Jose Sharks prospect pool. Look at the above names, and then consider the following: Taylor Doherty, Benn Ferriero, Tommy Wingels, Matt Nieto, Harri Sateri. Long gone are the days of Joe Pavelski getting snatched in the seventh round of the 2003 NHL Draft. Actually, I think Joe Pavelski's better looking than at least half of the girls above. Perhaps San Jose's found a trade suitor for the coming off-season.
Quick math on this, but Paulina Gretzky may be eighty-six spots too low. Gretzky's quickly becoming the face of the hockey world -- and for all of the right reasons.
My sleeper pick clocks in at eighty-three with Dania Ramirez. She's like the Maxim Henrik Zetterberg(210th overall, 1999 NHL Entry Draft) -- coming out of nowhere, doing damage in the following years. Really, she looks a bit like Jessica Alba, minus the terrifying youngster that could really dampen a potential relationship between us.
I'm sure the culturally elite are going to rave about Pippa Middleton's arrival into the ranks, but I'm not sold on her. Some scouts say she's a five-tool player with the size, strength, and speed to compete at the NHL level, but -- I lost my train of thought. What the hell am I talking about again?
NHL Translation: Overall, a quality collection -- if you're completely blind and didn't notice the presences of Lois Griffin(!) and Nicki Minaj(!!). Even Mike Milbury thinks the voters and editors made a huge misstep here, and he's known for trading away all of the following: Zdeno Chara, Wade Redden, Bryan Berard, Eric Brewer, Darius Kasparaitis, and Bryan McCabe; goaltenders Roberto Luongo and Tommy Salo, as well as forwards Olli Jokinen, Todd Bertuzzi, Tim Connolly, and Raffi Torres. Lois Griffin ahead of Paulina Gretzky reeks of Rick DiPietro first overall in 2000 -- by the way, that was Mike Milbury, too.
Our next grouping has some seriously underrated talent -- headlined by Alex Morgan(#66). Morgan won the hearts of everyone(read: me) with her captivating performance at the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup, with a crucial goal against France in the 82nd minute of the semi-final match-up, then knocked in a pair -- including one in extra-time -- against Japan in the Final.
Miley Cyrus is growing on me, too. The voice, laugh, and pretty much everything else outside of her looks is nails-on-chalkboard, but I think she's the captain-in-waiting once Carrie Underwood hangs 'em up and vacates her captaincy with Nashville.
The best part, though, is quite obviously Stephen Colbert. See, Stephen Colbert is genuinely funny and has made these voting and write-in campaigns for various spots -- including President of the United States -- must-watch television. So, in essence, he's the opposite of Jon Stewart -- and I'm going to allow his position on this list.
NHL Translation: J-WOW is to this list what Brian Lawton was to the 1983 NHL Draft. There was so much to love about the overall skill set, potential, and ceiling, but scouts got caught up gawking at the strengths and ignoring the weaknesses. J-WOW's placement this high on the list(remember, ahead of Beyonce, et al.) makes as much sense as Brian Lawton's selection over Sylvain Turgeon (2), Pat LaFontaine (3), Steve Yzerman (4), Tom Barrasso (5), John MacLean (6), Russ Courtnall (7), Andrew McBain (8), Cam Neely (9) -- are you catching my point? In the end, I guess what I'm trying to say is that J-Wow's bust will lead to a Brian Lawton-esque bust.
If there's one sport I've never really been drawn to, it's the UFC/MMA conglomerate. I'm a boxing thoroughbred, and although I can appreciate the hustle, drive, and athleticism these fighters exhibit, I simply (a) don't have the spare time to get truly invested; and (b) still pray for the 1 in 1,000,000 chance that Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao square up before I die.
Still, #58 -- Arianny Celeste -- is really forcing some second guessing. Apparently, she's a ring-girl for the major UFC cards, and she's also a decent human being:
In September 2009, high school senior Conner Cordova, a fan of mixed martial arts, asked Celeste to attend his prom with him, using a series of three YouTube videos. Celeste agreed, provided that he found a date for her friend.[9] However, Celeste was unable to appear due to her schedule, so the plan changed to attending another dance. That also proved impossible, so Cordova and Celeste sponsored their own event, which doubled as a fundraiser for victims of the 2010 Haiti earthquake.
The highlight here, still, remains the one-named beauty -- Shakira. I've seen her dance, and most of the time, I end up excusing myself from the living room. Girl is unbelievable.
NHL Translation: Amanda Bynes and Patrick Kane were both big-names coming through the junior ranks and remain a-list talent at the professional level, but both are known more for their boozing than their play right now. In a tiebreaker, who do you give the edge to? Amanda Bynes was billed as a star-in-the-making comedian, except she really wasn't all that funny. Kane's weekends include looking for any/every reason to dust off a twelve-pack and look for a reason to go with a local frat boy. Still, I'll give the benefit of the doubt to Kane. He's hoisted the Stanley Cup, and he's scored 20+ goals in his first five NHL seasons. Bynes? She did voicing for Robots.
Adrianna Lima, world's most famous supermodel, is apparently less attractive than forty-five other women. Moving on..
There's two other women that probably deserve higher rankings here, too -- Brooklyn Decker, and Zooey Deschanel. I'm not going to lie to you -- I'd sell most of my possessions for a night on the town with B-Deck.
I've never been a huge Zooey Deschanel fan, but the culturally elite crowd would take twelve slugs from a .45 to come within 1,000 feet of her presence. I just know we would never work out. The girl is deathly afraid to eggs, dairy, and wheat gluten, which means she can pretty much eat nothing.
This kid has to eat.
NHL Translation: One of the most memorable Ottawa Senators moments of the past decade included that absolute brawl with the Philadelphia Flyers back in 2004.
March 5th, 2004. The Philadelphia Flyers and Ottawa Senators budding rivalry had finally come to a tipping point, and after the dust finally settled, an NHL-record 419 penalty minutes and sixteen player ejections created one of the wildest end-of-games ever seen in the National Hockey League.
The Ottawa Senators had been getting the best of the Philadelphia Flyers in recent tilts, having eliminated them twice in the past two seasons. To compound the drama, Martin Havlat had just returned from his two-game suspension for hitting Mark Recchi in the face with his stick, much to the chagrin of the Flyers roster. Although then-Senators head coach Jacques Martin opted to keep Havlat away from trouble and in the penalty box, the Flyers got their licks in on the rest of Ottawa's roster, creating a rather frenetic final two minutes.
With just under two minutes left, Flyers enforcer Donald Brashear went after Senators tough-guy Rob Ray, which proved to be quite the spark for the rest of the fireworks to commence. A series of skirmishes finally lead to Ottawa's Patrick Lalime and Philadelphia's Robert Esche to tangle, and it took quite some time for the referees to get everything re-organized.
Of course, fighting resumed just seconds later, with Chris Neil of the Ottawa Senators visibly upset that he wasn't on the ice for the first series of fights. Neil went after Radovan Somik, which was like pouring gasoline on a fire - Somik isn't the world's biggest pugilist, and this set off Flyers center Michal Handzus, who called Neil's actions, "a complete chicken move."
Handzus didn't wait long for his retribution, as he immediately went after Mike Fisher. Soon thereafter, Mark Recchi and Bryan Smolinski met to throw some bombs, and the night was highlighted by Patrick Sharp and Jason Spezza exchanging some pleasantries. At the end of it all, only five players remained on the benches when the game ended.
The Flyers wound up winning the game 5-3, but the Senators weren't thrilled by the Flyers actions. Todd Simpson called it "idiotic," and Jacques Martin wasn't thrilled with the coaching over on the Philadelphia bench. Flyers general manager Bob Clarke apparently tried to approach Jacques Martin after the game, but team officials stepped in and put a halt to it. One has to wonder who would've won that scrap.
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No script that bloody would ever make it to Hollywood, though. They'd tweak it so that in the end, Mike Fisher and Michal Handzus were sharing their love and affection. Except Mike Fisher is Mila Kunis, and Michal Handzus is Zoe Saldana, and we're all winners.
Goodness, gracious. I don't even know where to begin. There's a legitimate argument that this is the hottest collection of twelve, and we haven't even sniffed the top twenty-five.
At least four of these women have been completely low-balled: Kate Upton, Jennifer Lopez, Yvonne Strahovski, and Eva Mendes.
With Kate Upton, I get that she's pretty polarizing, but my understanding is that few -- if any -- command the catwalk like she does. And, the girl is a downright ten. Maybe an eleven. After this video, a twelve.
Eva Mendes is another name that's way too low on this list. I've been on the Eva Mendes tip since she was whippin' Will Smith's car in the Miami video.
That was just the first of many blessings from Eva, though. See, she had a pretty pivotal scene in Training Day with Denzal Washington, where she lay completely naked on the bed for no reason other than to force me to freeze-frame, rewind, and freeze-frame again.
NHL Translation: Ms. Cuthbert -- you didn't think you'd get away from this completely untouched, did you? Elisha -- like every other girl in this grouping -- is a smokeshow, but is well known around the hockey world for her intimate involvement with players Sean Avery and Dion Phaneuf. The fallout from the love triangle was awesome.
Here's where the voting gets frustrating. The girls here are still gorgeous, but is this group really better than the last one? Uhh..
Taylor Swift isn't even attractive, and I'm saying that with complete authenticity. I was blessed enough to attend Arizona State University for three-and-a-half years, and I say with real confidence that she'd largely blend in there. So, how she's inside of the top twenty-five, I'll never know.
Speaking of overrated: Selena Gomez. What's the draw to her, anyway? Way, way too young to be in control like this.
Jennifer Love-Hewitt's a nice-looking girl, but if we're going beyond the realm of strictly looks(and if she's in the top ~ twenty, that's probably the case), we need to look at her body of work. And, the last time I remember seeing her on my television, she was a coked-up masseuse slash prostitute on some made-for-Lifetime production.
Emma Watson even sniffing this list is a travesty, too. I know I'm going to have to fight off the World of Warcraft // Diablo III crowd after that comment, but it's the truth.
NHL Translation: By default, Jessica Biel and Kaley Cuoco look infinitely hotter thanks to weak competition. In essence, that's the 1999 NHL Entry Draft. The Vancouver Canucks stole the Sedin twins with the second and third-overall selections, then watched the rest of a cringeworthy first-round play out. In order: Patrik Stefan, Pavel Brendl, Tim Connolly, Brian Finley, Kris Beech, Taylor Pyatt, Jamie Lundmark, Branislav Mezei, Oleg Saprykin, Denis Shvidki, Jani Rita, Jeff Jilson, Scott Kelman, David Tanabe, Barret Jackman, Konstantin Koltsov, Kirill Safronov, Barrett Heisten, Nick Boynton, Maxime Quellet, Steve McCarthy, Luca Cereda, Mikhail Kuleshov, Martin Havlat(hey -- someone!), Ari Ahonen, and Kristian Kudroc. Stellar run there. In case you're wondering, the only notable picks outside of RD1 include Ryan Malone(4th), Ryan Miller(5th), and the aforementioned Henrik Zetterberg(7th).
Down the stretch we come, and the talent is really showing out.
As a native New Yorker, I was taught at a very young age to hate everything about the state of Massachusetts, and specifically, the city of Boston. However, after watching The Town and being introduced to the bombshell that is Blake Lively, I almost -- almost -- reconsidered my upbringing.
So, what changed? Much to my delight, Wikipedia suggests Blake Lively's from Los Angeles -- not Boston, Mass. She's even hotter than I imagined, now knowing that her developed Boston accent for her role in the movie alongside clown Ben Affleck was entirely contrived. God bless America.
Another girl I found late into the game was Olivia Wilde, and although I'm not sure she's top-five material, she's worthy of at least a look. Where do I dock her? She was on House, M.D. Talk about the most overrated show in the history of television. Man develops incurable illness; House struggles internally with difficult decisions and chews out some intern's ass; House cures incurable illness. Rinse, wash, repeat.
Lea Michele's an NHL fan, but that's about the only benefit of the doubt I'm going to give her. She does not belong. And Glee is a terrible show.
I demand to know who stuffed the ballot box for Katy Perry. Did Jeb Bush run the voting process? At what point did dimpled chad come into play?
I'm not even going to dwell on that travesty. Let's talk about number three -- Mila Kunis. Using entirely-advanced statistical measurements that couldn't even be found on BehindTheNet, my algorithm agrees that Mila Kunis is the best-looking woman in the history of ever.
I'll never forget her role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I still believe the entire movie was made up to dress Kristen Bell as the better looking of the two actresses, but Kunis absolutely blew her away. Since then, she's just gotten hotter, and hotter, and hotter. I had to call for the defibrilator after her scene with Natalie Portman in Black Swan. So, I guess I'm curious to know what kind of drugs she was on when she dated Macaulay Culkin for about a thousand years.
The runner-up(Olivia Munn) and winner(Bar Refaeli) were apparently separated by the thinnest of margins. Munn used to be a college football sideline reporter, but quit when she grew tired of the grind. Refaeli had her body in a swimsuit painted to the side of a Southwest Boeing 737. Advantage BR.
NHL Translation: Three unbelievable, generational talents fall 1-2-3, and no matter who you get, you know they're going to be a franchise cornerstone until retirement. Sound familiar? 2006 NHL Entry Draft top-five plays out accordingly: Erik Johnson, Jordan Staal, Jon Toews, Nicklas Backstrom, and Phil Kessel. In sixth-place? Derick Brassard. Oof. Derick, meet Katy. Katy, meet Derick. Should've traded down and grabbed Claude Giroux at twenty-two. Check that, Kate Upton at thirty-nine.
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