(a satire?) by B.D. Gallof
Bruise Brothers & Electric Mayhem
(why we need hockey enforcers)
I am traveling along Lake Erie in a boat called the Electric Mayhem, captained by some short green loon wearing a purple fedora. He calls himself Doctor Teeth. Tells me about the old days when he used to tour with his band. When I tell him I cannot say anything about my mission given by Gordie Howe, he only responds with,
"Golden teeth and golden tones, welcome to my presence."
He then flashes me his gold teeth that he told me earlier that he had made from melting down one of his gold records, and then adds…
“Can you dig it?”
This is going to be a long trip.
Luckily, my backup for my mission is also on the ship. Joey Kocur and Bob Probert sit on lounge chairs on the deck, sunning themselves and sharpening their knuckles. It was only the right thing to bring in the Bruise Brothers. True hockey fans remember the heady days of the dastardly duo of Kocur and Probert, who gave Detroit a meanness and toughness unsurpassed ever since. The Bruise Brothers between 1983 and 1989 laid waste to teams.
But that’s not all…
On the other side of our boat listening to some Credence Clearwater Revival is Tiger Williams, the Toronto bad boy and all-time penalty minutes champ, who I interrupted his hunting expedition to call in a favor. Next to him is Wayne Cashman, the former Boston Bruin tough, who is talking to Dave Brown, the former Flyer and master of intimidation. To round out this group on such short notice, Dave “Sammy” Semenko, who stands as my bodyguard. There is nobody better to protect my back than the Oiler’s Dynasty stalwart who used to keep an eye on The Great One.
If my mission was to break into NHL headquarters and protect the sacredness of hockey, I needed the very best. I needed men who would not bow under pressure. I needed hockey’s very best physical muscle. These were not men who scored 40 goals. They did not get 50 assists. But their role was something deeper and more important. They protected those who did get those numbers. They kept the other team walking the line. They kept them honest. And if they weren’t, then there would be an explosion of meaty fists and the grit of broken teeth littering the ice. Blood would spill, and ref whistles would be shrill. These were the true hockey heart, still beating under the surface of diluted Bettmenesque pandering to audiences and political correctness. These men still loomed, peering like a madman, under the Colin Campbell hand-downs of suspensions and fines.
Hockey was, and is, a rough game. And that rough game needs the warriors to protect its integrity. Some people see penalties and fisticuffs. Others see meted justice and revenge for transgressions. The NHL doesn’t like vigilantes. But vigilance is a valuable part of the game, because the NHL cannot be a viable entity during the 60 minutes of a game. They only come in later or adjust rules, after-the-fact. The NHL and teams needs these vigilantes. They keep it pure and keep it balanced. Their loss during the highly overrated and touted NEW NHL, has directly correlated into hockey stars being hurt. Very few enforcers are left, and those that are, are against the wall trying to keep up with the speed game. But that won’t last for long, because this game will always need ice-level enforcements.
Hockey isn’t for sissies. It’s a tough game and tough games need tough rules…and not the pedantic league rules…but the rules of war that occur on the ice in the fray. You will see a new generation of new enforcers, faster, meaner, and more skilled. And hopefully soon, because it is a very familiar sight to see your hockey star leaned over from a cheap shot, being led off the ice these days.
Previous Clutching and Grabbing blogs:
#1: Roadtrip to Buffalo
http://www.hockeybuzz.com/blog.php?post_id=7035
#2: Dinner with Golisano
http://www.hockeybuzz.com/blog.php?post_id=7075
#3: Fist of Fury
http://www.hockeybuzz.com/blog.php?post_id=7086
#4: Ra's al Gallof
http://www.hockeybuzz.com/blog.php?post_id=7096
#5: Mission from Gordie
http://www.hockeybuzz.com/blog.php?post_id=7107
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