Clutching & Grabbing 17
A satire by B.D. Gallof
A NEW HOPE
A long time ago, in a
galaxy far, far away... It is a
period of the “New NHL”. Rebel Hockey
Enforcers led by a mad Hockeybuzz blogger
have struck Toronto’s NHL Video Review offices.
Narrowly escaping the grasp of the nefarious Colin
Campbell, their leader manages to break-in to the NHL
headquarters in NYC disguised as a hockey puck. As a
surprise to no one, NHL’s video security can’t seem to find
the puck. At NHL headquarters Darth Bettman has his
ultimate weapon: A SAFE & SOFT HOCKEY marketing
plan. With this marketing plan, he has enough power to
destroy an entire hockey league. Pursued by the NHL’s
sinister agents, B.D. Gallof, given his mission by none
other than Gordie Howe on a burning Zamboni, faces
the evil of the New NHL and Darth Bettman.
He alone can save old-time hockey and
restore freedom to the galaxy...
(Peering up)
Wow. That’s a lot of responsibility. I’ll just go for survival. And, when Bettman lunges forward, his hockeysaber sizzling the air, I duck under the conference table. I see marketing materials going up in flames as he slashes back and forth in frustration.
Bettman was a lawyer. I was a hockey blogger on a mission. There was no escaping that he had a bigger paycheck, but did he have the writing chops to skewer the powers-that-be? Could Bettman write satire? I think not. Maybe back in high school he could roll a mean 20-sided die…but that was then, this was now. Who needed D&D when you had
World of Warcraft.
Did Gary have a Level 60 Paladin decked out in Tier 2 gear?!??! Hell no! He was a virtual NOOB!
Bettman was never a sports man. He never played the game. He wasn’t trained in the martial arts. Neither was I…but damn, I could talk a big game. And I’d stand by my street hockey skills next to Gary “I’d rather read Gygax” Bettman any old day.
More confidently now, I flee to the back of the room. Bettman is snarling, searching for me under tables and chairs.
I launch a bean bag chair at him, he slices it in two. I launch a cardboard cutout of a smiling Joe Sakic skipping along the street with little Johnny Colorado. That also gets sliced to pieces. I throw everything else I can get my hands on…
The Alexei Yashin Mood Ring
Kristian Huselius’s Diving Goggles
The Wayne Gretzky signed NHL Coaching for Dummies book
Columbus Blue Jackets Season Tickets
Gary shears then all into burnt confetti. His hockey stick crackles as he sweeps it in a whirl. He has me trapped between the
NHL’s Great Video Review Calls DVD collection and the new NHL children’s book with Sidney Crosby on the cover
Everybody in the NHL Poops
Suddenly…my cell phone rings. I gaze down at it to see Bill Meltzer, NHL.com writer and fellow Hockeybuzz blogger on the caller ID.
No Blogger ignores a call from Wild Bill.
“I got to take this, Gary,” I announce.
“But…” Gary splutters.
“Talk to the hand” I raise my hand to Gary’s face, and use the other to answer the cell. “Hey Billy, how ya been?”
“Yahhhhhhoooooooooooo Gallof! How the hell do you do it???,” shouts Wild Bill Meltzer. “You called all the winners of Round 2 back before it all started. You even called 3 out of 4 right on the mark in games!”
I don’t have it in my heart to tell Wild Bill that he speaks to a Doctor of Hockey Journalism. That my extensive training involved things he and others would pale and quiver at. Balancing buckets of hockey pucks held by outstretched arms atop of Zamboni’s driven in drunken circles in New Jersey. Facing, with no padding, pucks shot by Al Ifrate and Al MacInnis. These are just a few things of the strenuous training when I chose to take this route in life as a NHL hockey blogger. Days and days on end, standing in the rain, snow and cold outside Don Cherry’s hockey training dojo…his mottled red face screaming in my ears that I wasn’t good enough. His meaty fists bashing my head and chest.
“Just lucky I guess, Bill” I lie with a smile.
“Well, we’ll just see about the next round, pal,” Bill laughs.
I hang up the phone, and look at Gary who is heaving and seething, my hand still in his face.
“Ok, Gary…now it’s time to rumble.”
It was time for this Doctor of Hockey Journalism to get down and dirty with NHL hockey commissioner. I rolled up my sleeves, cracked my knuckles and stepped forward to meet him mano-o-mano.
To be continued . . .
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