“Who would win the battle if the teams were simply their team names?”
Hey all! I have something different for you today…This exercise I’m posting is something I always do on my podcast. A few people had emailed me that they wanted me to post it along with the my research. So blame them, deal?
Before you “Internet me” and say “it’s stupid,” understand one thing. I know it’s stupid. Its also ridiculous…but it’s fun thing to do and I hope you enjoy it. (Does anybody remember laughter?), I some sales pitch, don’t you think…
This is purely for entertainment purposes. I bear no responsibility if you were to take this information and use it in your gambling life. That would be stupider. I’ve done this since I was a kid. I did it with my dad and friends and I still do it with my son and daughter now… The concept is simple. “Who would win the battle if the teams were simply their team names?”
So let’s get to it, eh?
#1 The Florida Panthers vs. Tampa Lightning…
What is a Florida Panther?
A rare and highly fascinating, southern mountain lion… They are highly endangered, but making a comeback thanks to a lot of effort being put in by the Florida Wildlife Foundation. They are currently roughly 200 in the wild of South Florida . My son works in animal conservation, and I can tell you that this particular sub-species of the mountain lion has been very isolated and there’s an argument going on among people who decide where to put the conservation money as to whether or not they should be classified as a separate species from their northern mountain lion cousins…who live in cold climates. Don’t tell me cats have nine lives though. I had a pet cat.
What is Lightning?
Fascinating and potentially deadly weather phenomena that is the result of the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud…. it is also accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder. And it’s a logo for the 70s underrated superhero Shazam.
The Battle:
Your first thought might be that a wild cat doesn’t stand a chance in hell against a lightning bolt…However, research will tell you, and yes, I actually called the Florida wildlife people about this, that there are no known cases in history of a Florida Panther being killed by lightning… the point being, they’ve been in southern Florida forever and are no strangers to crazy weather coming across the state in the form of hurricanes which always are accompanied by lightning… and the Panthers instinctively is strong and they know how to avoid this.
Winner: The Florida Panther.
The Maple Leafs vs. The Senators.
What is a Maple Leaf?
A maple leaf is the leaf of the maple tree, most famously known as the national symbol of Canada. The maple leaf, particularly the sugar maple leaf, has been adopted as a symbol of Canadian identity since the 19th century, appearing on the flag, coats of arms, etc.
What is a Senator?
According to the Parliament of Canada website… Canada’s 105 senators are men and women of accomplishment and experience. They are business people and scientists, judges and teachers, athletes, community leaders, and senior civil servants who use their lifetimes of expertise to ensure Parliament acts in the best interests of Canadians.
The Battle:
This one’s a little less clear cut than the battle between a cat and the weather… Leafs grow on trees and Canada is an in incredible sylvan country… Canada has in general been very responsible with their logging practices. While the act of cutting down trees is always controversial, this is Canada… They gots a lot of trees! In fact, according to my research, there are roughly 1,000,000 square miles(2.4 KM) of Canada, the second largest country on EARTH. Forrests cover roughly 1/2 of the country! The trees also play a crucial role in supporting many communities, particularly in rural and Indigenous regions, and provide jobs in various forest-related activities. Canada is historically a very responsible country when it comes to the environment, and those decisions controlled by the government. so therefore it’s safe to say that the senators play a role in conservation and decisions that go into controlling how many trees are cut down. The government rules the trees.
Winner: The Ottawa Senators (who will decide how many games with a vote.
The Carolina Hurricanes vs The NJ Devils…
What is a Hurricane?
According to my friends who drink, a Hurricane is delicious and can be found anywhere in the French Quarter of New Orleans…. However, that’s not the definition for our purposes… Of course, a hurricane is a HUGE storm with violent wind, in particular a tropical cyclone in the Caribbean. Hurricanes are definitely on the rise in both number per year and ferociousness (for some unknown reason). (again don’t go there) They are devastating storms they can take out entire communities and should always be respected.
What is the NJ Devil?
There is much debate about this creature… for those of us who grew up in New Jersey and drove through the Pine barons all the time, we usually look at it like a Cryptid (An Animal not known to science.) Basically our version of Bigfoot, but with wings. Some say of all the Cryptids, the NJ Devil is perhaps the most paranormal. Those who claimed to have seen it, describe it as a flying biped with hooves, but there are many variations. The common description is that of a bipedal kangaroo-like creature with a horse head, leathery bat-like wings, horns, small arms with clawed hands, legs with cloven hooves, and a forked or pointed tail. Some believ and say the Devil can disappear and reappear as it wants to. It’s been around since the late 1600s when a woman gave birth to it as her 13 child and cursed the unwanted child to be the devil. As long as there have been guns, people have tried to shoot it, but the bullets passed straight through. Weird.
The Battle.
You could make your argument that the Jersey Devil isn’t real. It’s just folklore or what guys see when they have too much to drink around a campfire in South Jersey. But for the sake of this, it’s real. So while a hurricane is devastating to all around it, I don’t think it has any effect on the paranormal….The Jersey Devil would simply had to Europe and wait it out.
The Winner:
The Devil.
The Edmonton Oilers vs. The Los Angeles Kings…
What is an Oiler?
Pretty basic stuff here. This a very hard worker, who works the oil fields, often risking their health and sometimes their life. Since these are Canadian Oilers, it should be noting according to research… In 2023 *which was the latest info I could find in a few minutes* Canada supplied approximately 60% of the U.S.'s crude oil imports. This amounted to about 24% of U.S. refinery throughput. In 2023, Canada's crude oil exports to the U.S. reached 4 million barrels per day.
What is a King?
In case this question has always baffled you… A King is the male ruler of a Country. He is usually appointed if he is the next male of kin to the throne.
The Battle…
The initial way I looked at that was King’s historically control the oil of the world… but not in Canada… so I’m gonna go much more literal here… Head to Head. King versus Oil worker.
The winner:
Yeh the King would get killed in a fistfight.. People who work the fields are really in shape and incredibly tough people who live a hard life. Kings lives are usually a little less tough…
The Vegas Golden Knight vs The Minnesota Wild.
What is a Golden Knight?
First off a Knight in general was a mounted man-at-arms who served a feudal lord or king, typically of noble birth and trained from childhood. They were expected to be skilled warriors and adhere to a code of chivalry, which emphasized honor, courtesy, and bravery. Knights were often granted land in exchange for their military service.
But were there Golden Knights?
In short, absolutely not. . And for good reason. First of all, gold is a very shiny metal that would alert you to your enemies. Imagine a buff C-3PO sneaking up on you… Secondly, gold is a very soft metal that would easily be slayed through..
What the heck is a Wild?
My first thought is, it’s just wilderness in general. That is kind of hard to battle against so I looked into the meaning of the logo…which is actually really interesting… according to my research the Minnesota Wild logo depicts a forest landscape with a sunset, featuring a subtle optical illusion of a wild animal, likely a bear or wild cat, with the North Star as its eye. actually one of the cooler descriptions of a sports logo that I’ve ever heard. To me it looks more like a bear which is way more common in Minnesota then mountain lions…. So let’s go with a bear….Research tells us there are an estimated 13,000 to 18,000 black bears in Minnesota. See Canada population people…that’s how an estimate is done. Give yourself some breathing room!
The Battle…
While it wasn’t their main function in their society, medieval knights were in fact often called upon to help in the hunt for food or defend a village from threats… the biggest threat in Europe at the time was indeed BEARS! (Although there were lions as well in Europe back then..not as common.) So it should be easy, right? Knight slays bear. Game over man.…. Not so fast. Doing my research I discovered that Many times bears killed Knights (in real armor) when in direct conflict… and since our knight is wearing a suit made of precious soft, shiny gold, his armor doesn’t stand a chance against the claws of a giant bear…
The Winner: The Wild
The Winnipeg Jets vs. The St Louis Blues…
What is a Jet?
A jet is an airplane propel by jet engines. The first Jet Engine flew over Germany in 1939. This is not a very exciting definition for this game.. so then I thought OG Winnipeg Jet: Bobby Hull. The golden jet, as they called him, signed with the Winnipeg Jets of the WHA in a very controversial moment in hockey history…. He left the NHL for Winnipeg, which was a BIG deal, so I always thought the Winnipeg Jets were named after him. However, I just found out today that’s not true. I’m sure many in Canada already knew this… but the owner of the Winnipeg Jets back then was a New York Jets fan. So yes, the Winnipeg Jets are named after the New York Jets, who in no way shared in the Winnipeg Jets success this season.
What is the Blues?
The Blues are defined as a musical genre and form originating from African American communities in the Deep South of the United States. It's characterized by specific chord progressions, a blues scale, and call-and-response patterns, particularly the twelve-bar blues. The blues has roots in spirituals, work songs, field hollers, and other forms of African American music. So how did St. Louis play into this? In the early 20th century, St. Louis played a major role in the evolution and development of blues music, especially in the East St. Louis community that served as a hotbed for the blues. Also, and famously the team gets their name from a really influential song called “The St Louis Blues” by WC Handy.
The Battle….
It’s kinda hard to pit, a mechanical machine versus a genre of music… so let’s do this.. let’s pit Bobby Hull vs WC Handy! I don’t see where THIS could go wrong…..yeh…sure..
Was Bobby Hall tough and physical?
Yes, of course he was physical, he was 5’10*but that was good sized at the time* and he used his size to create space and generate power behind his slap shot. While he did use his size…He wasn’t like Gordie Howe. He was a big presence for sure. But Howe ended his career 1,643 PIM where Hull had a most exactly 1000 less with 640 PIM.
Hull was born in Point Anne Ontario in 1939..His dad was a cement company foreman. Hull worked with him a lot when he was young.
How about WC Handy?
There’s not much information out there as to how strong his slap shot or skating ability were…
However, according to the information I could find that wasn’t talking about his musical abilities..but rather his toughness…. He was born in a cabin in Alabama 1873. His family was poor, although his dad was a minister.. His father was less than supportive of his passion due to his steadfast belief that all music came from the devil. He worked in carpentry, plastering and finally a “shovel brigade” which must be hard….based on how it sounds. He would often sing out old spirituals and create songs based on the rhythm of he and his fellow shovelers. He was blinded in a subway accident in 1943. Handy lived out the rest of his life in Yonkers until passing away at the age of 84 in 1958.
The Winner:
This is really anybody’s guess obviously, but I feel like Handy, a black man growing up in the South in the 80’s…The 1880s, had a lot more to overcome and based on some of the jobs he did was probably in really good shape as well. So I’m going with the Blues! No disrespect to Bobby Hull..
The Dallas Stars vs The Colorado Avalanche
What is a Star?
Obviously, a star is a giant celestial object with planets rotating around it… but when looking at this team name, it’s got a couple different things going on. First of all, it’s a hat tip to the Minnesota North stars. So that’s an actual star. But it’s also got something going on with the Football Cowboys of Dallas whose emblem of a star is iconic. So…. should we go with the naturally luminous light in the night sky or the Cattleman in Texas…If the team was still in Minnesota, I would say yes to the star, but I’m gonna go with the cowboy..
What is an Avalanche?
An avalanche is a mass of snow, rocks, trees, and general debris, falling quickly, and dangerously, down a mountain… The Colorado Avalanche Info Website says there are approximately 2300 avalanches reported a year in Colorado… due to a lot of new techniques, early detection, and setting off avalanches on purpose, the number of people killed in avalanches in Colorado per year is way down recently…currently estimated around 6 per year.
What is a cowboy?
A cowboy is a person typically on horseback who herds and tends to cattle. Interesting fact here is that currently 32% of Cowboys are women.. How many Cowboys are in Texas? There are still remarkably a lot of them, but I couldn’t find any place that would give me an estimate.. However, there are 12 million heads of cattle in Texas… most still with bodies.
The Battle…
I’m not sure, but I think a cowboy roaming the mostly level planes of the warm state of Texas would be “in a heap of trouble” if an avalanche to somehow appear and be racing towards them I don’t believe there’s anything in their training for such a disaster. It would definitely freak their horse.
The Winner is….
The Avalanche.
and last and absolutely least for a reason….
The Washington Capitals vs The Canadiens
What is a Washington Capital?
This team is named after the District of Columbia where the United States government is housed…That’s about it…. Ok fine …Research tells me…The US government's primary job is to uphold the Constitution, protect citizens, and ensure the general welfare. This is achieved through three branches: legislative (Congress), executive (President), and judicial (courts). These branches are responsible for making, enforcing, and interpreting laws, respectively….
What is a Canadien?
A CanadiEn is a CanadiAn that lives in the great Province of Quebec. According to research., The estimated population of the Province of Quebec in Q1 2025 is 9,111,629. Two things about that number.. First off, that’s way more people than I thought lived in the Province of Quebec. And secondly, I admire any country that says the estimated of anything is 9,111,628. That takes guts because most estimates are usually not quite as precise. Also, as an aside French Canada is absolutely amazing and beautiful. When I was a kid, I would force my parents to drive to Montreal every summer. And I’ve told many of my friends that it’s the closest thing you get to Europe you can drive to. Montreal is my favorite city in the world. And I’ve been to Toledo!
The Battle…
This is easy…it’s simply the US government versus the people of Canada……
Um….What could go wrong? HELL NO! I’m not touching this one with a 200 foot player. This website is an escape from all of that facebook fun…. So let’s keep this light… I am a proud American who also respect the fact in Canada is a beautiful, and very sovereign nation that has fought in every war we’ve ever asked them to. I’m a military kid, so I fully respect the American military, and many in governments, local a federal, for their service to their communities. Please no politics or judgements..Thank you!
The Winner…
In my many years of doing this for fun I have never once copped out and not given my opinion of the winner…. But God help us. I’m not touching this. TBD
So there you have it! The first round. ( don’t worry the second round will be half as long..
We always have great debates with this, so I would love your opinion in the chat room (if you have any joy in your heart and would be willing to play along)…. Can’t wait for the games tonight!
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