The Original Star Wars spends 5 minutes in space, 45 minutes in a desert sitting in caves with an annoying robot, 5 minutes in space, half an hour in hallways, two 70 year old men banging their canes together, 5 minutes in space, 15 minutes in a military meeting and then 15 minutes in space.
MASTERPIECE
Phantom Menace starts off right away with The Chinese setting up a blockade on Switzerland, while Interpol shows up and starts killing the (frank) out of everyone with laser swords. They escape to Vatican City Planet, meet a Jamaican Salamander, go to a huge underwater Wizard of Oz Emerald City, use the Jedi mind trick to steal a submarine, traverse the planet, rescue Princess Peach who was held hostage, smuggle her off the planet and then meet baby Darth Vader. Who built C3P0. And is Jesus. And is a slave owned by Jews. And is about to do a crazy space-car race that's awesome.
He wins. A super (frank)ed up samurai with full body tattoos and spikes on his head (not a jew) attacks baby Jesus and Joseph has to fight him off while his Shudo watches from the ship. They escape with the Virgin Mary. Who Jesus is gonna (frank) someday.
Anyway they go to court and Emperor Palpatine is like "Let my people go!" and they make him the Senate. Then Space Salamander and the Apostles get the Technicolor dream coat and go back to Bowser's Castle - That level is about to be defeated.
Baby Jesus flies with his robot into space and blows up a giant battery while an epic battle wages on the planet below him and the gay Samurai space wizards fight the creepy goth samurai.
The absolute coolest GOD DAMN song in the entire GOD DAMN UNIVERSE plays during the fight and the weirdo gets cut in half after he penetrates the Master in front of his Shudo.
Then the Shudo becomes the master and raises Jesus as his liege. Also that swamp goblin from Empire Strikes back is here too and he's a total Richard.
NOT A MASTERPIECE.
- 3rd GM's the charm
A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar-Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's 14
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a pre-pubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin'
My, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midichlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance, to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
All training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here"
Just stick it in your pointy ear
I still will teach this boy
He was singin'
My, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here, and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy
And I was singin'
My, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
We were singin'
My, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"A long, long time ago