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Oliver Ekman-Larsson Escapes Unscathed in Werewolf Attack

August 7, 2019, 4:26 PM ET [62 Comments]
James Tanner
Arizona Coyotes Blogger • RSSArchiveCONTACT
The Arizona Coyotes star defenseman had a brush with horror this summer as a creature long thought mythical rose with the moon and struck the unsuspecting defenseman where it hurts - the hand.

In a thinly veiled attempt to perpetuate the myth that werewolves are not real, other news outlets are reporting that OEL was mauled by the family dog - a story Ekman-Larsson himself is buying into.

But we know the truth.

Earlier this summer, Ekman-Larsson was at home in Sweden enjoying his many krona when suddenly a full moon descended upon the sleepy village where I assume he makes his home

With the moon came a rabid beast, who grabbed Larsson by the hand and attempted to eat him. Luckily Kevin Ekman-Larsson always packs heat, and he was able to chase the beast away.

Ekman-Larsson claims to have lost zero fingers in the attack, but we will likely never know the truth, what with the incredible advancements in finger forgery.

Fake-fings, I think the kids are calling them.

Anyways, the beast escaped into the wooded gully because Kevin Ekman-Larsson did not happen to be carrying around silver bullets with him like some kind of lunatic.

They claim it was just the family dog, but I don't buy it. Everyone knows that werewolf attacks are routinely blamed on the family pet due to wereshaming, which is a real problem.

OEL is said to be fine and ready to go when camp begins next month.

When reached for comment, Mr. Ekman-Larsson asked me to stop bothering him.
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