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Town Without A Team: Hell, Michigan
I've got three words for the NHL: Go to Hell! Sure it means a second franchise in Michigan, but hey, they're good for it. Here's a little about the town of Hell courtesy of Wikipedia;
"Hell, Michigan is an unincorporated community in Putnam Township of Livingston County in the U.S. state of Michigan. The community is near the border with Washtenaw County, about 15 miles (24 km) northwest of Ann Arbor. Hell is situated five miles (8 km) west of Pinckney via Patterson Lake Road. The community is served by the Pinckney post office with ZIP Code 48169. The unofficial population is 266."
This place screams untapped market to me based purely on marketing potential. It would benefit the NHL to relocate to this town ASAP and, I humbly suggest, follow the plan I have laid out for building this team into a money making machine!
First order of business: Sign Miroslav Satan. Would there be a better marketing coup in sports than bringing Satan to Hell? And don't be giving me any of this "But its pronounced Sha-tan" business either. If he's in Hell it's Say-tan! Of course, by the time my campaign is successful and Hell gets the team they deserve, Miroslav's playing days will likely be over. Even this season he only just got picked up by the Bruins at the start of January suggesting that teams weren't clamouring to get him for an entire year despite him being a Stanley Cup winner with Pittsburgh last season (albeit in a season where he split action between the NHL and the minors). For our purposes though, I don't care. If he can't play I bring him in as a coach. Whatever it takes to pull one great money making move: put his name on a jersey. These babies would be a top five league-wide seller in a snap! Especially after we give him number '666'! Would this cause an uproar outside of Hell? Probably. Would we care? Yes in that we would want the ruckus to continue long enough to fuel jersey sales and garner plenty of free publicity through the press! You can't buy that type of exposure folks!
Team Name: Here's one where people may think we've missed a prime choice with New Jersey already using "Devils", but I disagree. My first choice of a name would be "Fire". Listen to the flow of these names: Boston Bruins, Calgary Flames, Edmonton Oilers, Hell Fire. It fits the town name, oozes power, and plays off a common expression, which leads me too....
Mascot: Let's name the mascot! That common expression I spoke about? "Hellfire and.......Brimstone!" The character will be called Brimstone! Question is, what do we make it? Like we've already covered, the Devil is already out of play due to New Jersey. I tried a more human alternate to a devil but was informed by my 5-year-old daughter that she would have no interest in owning a stuffed animal version of this fellow...
... so I figured it's probably best to go with the standby for a mascot which is "happy creature that kids dig but isn't completely wimpy for adults". The result? Brimstone will be a happy dragon.
They're marketable, they breathe fire so they fit the team theme, kids love them, and you can make good coin selling little stuffed animals to the little ones.
Team Logo: This screams for edgy! Yes, we're working the whole concept of the team around the gimmick of the town name. At the same time with a name like Hell Fire you've got to know when to stop being a pun and showing some of the connotations of the name. That being said, give me skulls and flames! Give me this for the main logo:
This for the shoulder patch:
And this for the basic "name only" third jersey:
As for team colours: black. Want an accent? Grey/Silver. Only colour here will be the fire on the logo. Doom and gloom in this arena my friends...
Arena Name: Pittsburgh has "The Igloo". Hell has:
a) The Hole (Hell Hole?)
b) The Pit (of Hell?)
c) The Depths (of Hell?)
d) The Handbasket (i.e., I was in Hell at The Handbasket)
e) High Water (I was at Hell in High Water...)
The list could go on and on! The only definite though? The penalty box will be literally labeled as “The Sin Bin”!!
Slogans: This is the easy part! "When the NHL's in town, Hell freezes over!". "In Hell we put the Fire on ice!". "Once the Fire are done with them, other NHL teams feel like they've been to Hell and back...". They really write themselves...
Music: An endless supply here so you can fill up all the slots: team hitting the ice, start of the period, penalties, fights and game wins. Some of my choices:
"Burn in Hell" by Twisted Sister
"Highway to Hell" by AC/DC
"Heaven's On Fire" by Kiss
"Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash
"Fire and Ice" by Cinderella
"Fight Fire With Fire" by Metallica
"Sleep Now In The Fire" by Rage Against The Machine
And for the ice girls of course there's "Firewoman" by The Cult
Promotions: How about a "Fire your Co-workers" promotion where your workplace can win a luxury box for a game? Thundersticks shaped like pitchforks for the playoffs? How about a $6.66 hot dog, fries and drink combo? Again, the directions you can go with this are endless!!!
What more can I say? If the suits at the NHL can’t see the potential for a team in Hell after this then I have to think they’re not interested in making money. In my opinion it’s a license to print money, and they don’t have to make a deal with the Devil to do it…. ;)
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